No more pain

On Coping #25

Now

you wake for moments at a time.

.

They are usually perturbed, painful periods.

Before you are unconscious again.

.

Sometimes

you are more alert.

You can have brief conversations with visitors.

You can watch a film with me.

You can smile at your sister.

And your mum.

Your dad.

.

But oftentimes

you manage only to make simple requests known:

Morphine.

Anti-emetic.

Slushy.

Up.

Down.

.

Yesterday

you told your sister that you felt different.

Heavier

maybe.

You weren’t sure.

.

Then today

after having your catheter fitted

and struggling to take your medication

we try to get you comfortable.

.

I’m holding you in my arms while the nurse repositions pillows

and you whisper to me

I’m tired, baby.

.

I know

I say.

.

I don’t know how much longer, baby

you say.

.

It’s okay

I say.

.

And I hold you.

It’s been a while since I have

and it feels like home.

.

When I release you back down to the bed again

you are asleep.

.

Later

the doctor comes to see you.

.

Imogen?

he says.

.

Imogen?

he says.

.

You open your eyes.

You look at him.

.

Imogen?

he says.

I see from your chart that you are still in pain.

.

You look at him.

.

You are still in pain

he says

and still experiencing sickness.

.

You look.

.

I can increase the morphine in the driver

and also increase the anti-nausea relief

which would give you some peace

he says.

.

You look.

.

But it might have a sedative effect also

he says.

.

You close you eyes.

And open them again.

.

It might mean

he continues

that you will become more and more sleepy

until eventually

you slip away.

.

You look at him.

.

We look at you.

.

He waits.

.

You shrug your shoulders.

.

He waits.

.

You shrug again.

.

Or?

you say.

.

Whats the alternative?

you say.

.

The alternative is

well

that we continue as we are.

.

As we are is a cycle of mouth pain and stomach pain and back pain and soreness and sleeplessness and confusion.

.

I want to say

You haven’t given up, baby.

.

I want to say

This isn’t giving up.

.

I want to say

You have given this

everything.

.

But I don’t.

.

You shrug again

close your eyes

and go back to sleep.

.

The doctor turns to us

to me

your mum

and your sister.

.

I’m going to increase the pain relief in her driver and add a second driver with the anti-sickness medication

he tells us.

.

We don’t say anything.

Or maybe we say

okay.

.

I can’t remember now.

.

He leaves the room.

.

Okay.

Okay.

Previous > On Coping #24: Stand by me | Next > On Coping # 26: On blistered feet

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On Coping is my story of surviving on the sidelines of cancer. It begins in 2022 with On Coping #1, written the day after my 41st birthday. The day my wife Imogen, the mother of my three children, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  It’s the story of what happened next. Read from the start.

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