Today is your birthday.
.
I’ll roll over
tuck myself in behind you
hold you close
kiss the back of your neck
and say
happy birthday baby.
.
Thank you baby
you’ll murmur
into your pillow.
.
The kids will make you breakfast in bed.
Taking your order.
Preparing it together.
Carefully winding their way up the stairs with trays of porridge and green juice and fruit, closely followed by the cat.
.
Then they’ll disappear into the TV for a while and we will sit up beside each other in bed quietly reading the papers or our books, feet touching.
.
After a while, the sensation of your skin on mine will become overwhelming and so I’ll chuck the cat out, close the door, drag you away from your reading and entice you to quietly do what lovers do.
.
Later there will be home made cards
and carefully crafted messages
and drawings
of love
and appreciation
and celebration
for this wonderful wife
amazing mummy
brilliant sister
lovely friend
beautiful daughter.
.
Gone are the days
of lacy bed-wear
and big weekends away
of new bikes
or trips to Paris.
.
And so I’ll buy you bedsheets
a book
and maybe some art.
.
Your friends will send jewellery and jumpers and we will eat and walk and ignore the washing and probably watch a family movie on the sofa, the dog at our feet.
.
At night we’ll lie in bed next to each other in our pyjamas and I’ll ask you if you had a nice birthday and you’ll tell me it was lovely thank you baby I love you and I’ll say I love you so much so much you say and then we’ll both read for a bit and I’ll kiss you goodnight and eventually we’ll fall asleep and soon it won’t be your birthday any more it will be the day after your birthday which is just another day.
.
I roll over.
.
Ah jesus.
.
My howl is silent and deep.
Previous > On Coping #59: 4th September 2024 | Next > On Coping #61: Asking for help
On Coping is my story of surviving on the sidelines of cancer.
It begins in March 2022 with On Coping #1, written the day after my 41st birthday. The day my wife Imogen, the mother of my three children, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.
On Coping is the story of what happened next.
How beautiful. I hope you eat cake today. X
Maybe a day for a different type of “birthday” candle ..